The last days I did not sleep so well.
I guess we all have those mornings where the days starts with a negative feeling, for example triggered by a negative thoughts, or when you feel physically slightly off. The bad new.. you feel shit. The good news.. mood and how you feel is generally a temporary state- and a lot is often actually fixable with a good morning routine. It however means that we need to go to work.
Because we can significantly influence how we perceive what happens to us- and how we feel. Happiness isn’t something that just happens to most —it’s something we actively create. By having the right thoughts, by doing the right things and by sustaining those right actions. As Laozi, the founder of Taoism, said: “Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny.” If our actions shape our lives, then happiness is not just a state of being—it’s a verb, it’s a result of what we think and do.
How I understand the world
If I look around me, I’m certain I’m not the only one who wakes up with negative thoughts.
You only have to turn on the news or scroll through social media to see how many people, despite seemingly good lives, are full of negativity. While they often live in environments where all their needs seem to be met: they have houses, money, friends, and freedom. Yet, for some reason, happiness seems to be exclusive to only a few.
Observing people, you can roughly categorize people into four broad categories:
The Victims: These individuals have experienced bad things in life and tend to focus on the negative. This mindset can be rooted in early experiences, like a difficult childhood.
Meet Sarah, who grew up in a broken home with financial instability and emotional neglect. As an adult, she often feels unlucky and believes that life is against her. She struggles to find happiness because she focuses on the past and views her hardships as an unfair burden she can’t overcome. Despite having a stable job and supportive friends, Sarah constantly feels unfulfilled because she believes her circumstances have permanently damaged her chances for happiness.
The Pessimists: They seem to have everything going for them on the surface—wealth, opportunities, and security. Yet, their outlook on life remains negative, often because they fixate on what they don’t have.
Meet James, born into a wealthy family, attended prestigious schools, and has a high-paying job. From the outside, his life looks perfect. However, James is never content. He constantly compares himself to others in his social circle who have more money, better cars, or more prestigious jobs. Instead of appreciating what he has, James focuses on what’s missing and often feels stressed and dissatisfied. His pessimistic attitude prevents him from truly enjoying life.
The Thankful: These people have mostly good things going on in life and they know it. They are aware of their blessings and practice gratitude regularly, which reinforces their happiness.
Meet Emma lives a relatively comfortable life in a middle-class neighbourhood. She has a stable job, a loving family, and good health. Instead of focusing on what could be better, Emma practices gratitude every day. She often takes time to reflect on the positives in her life, from small things like a good cup of coffee to bigger blessings like her supportive relationships. By focusing on what she has, Emma maintains a positive outlook and feels genuinely happy, even when faced with challenges.
The Optimists: These are the people who, despite facing significant challenges and setbacks, remain positive. Meet Carlos lost his job during an economic downturn and was diagnosed with a chronic illness shortly after. Despite these significant challenges, he chooses to focus on what he can control. Carlos finds meaning in his daily life by nurturing relationships with his friends and family, volunteering, and pursuing hobbies that bring him joy. Carlos believes that happiness is not dictated by circumstances but by his mindset. He remains hopeful and driven, finding joy even in the face of adversity.
Theoretical foundation
So how are the above type of personalities explained?
There are multiple theories that explain why different attitudes towards life exist.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: Maslow’s model proposes that human motivation is driven by a hierarchy of needs, starting with basic physiological needs like food, water, and shelter, then progressing through safety, love and belonging, esteem, and finally self-actualization. For example: The Pessimist may have their basic needs met but lacks fullfilment at the self-actualization level, leading to dissatisfaction despite external success. While the Optimist even with unmet basic needs, finds meaning and fulfilment through self-actualization and purpose.
Relative Deprivation and Social Comparison Theory: Social comparison theory, proposed by psychologist Leon Festinger, suggests that people evaluate their own well-being by comparing themselves to others. Relative deprivation theory extends this, stating that individuals who perceive themselves as worse off compared to others are more likely to feel unhappy, regardless of their actual circumstances. For example: The Victim feels disadvantaged, reinforcing their unhappiness. While the optimists focus on what they can control, not how they stack up against others
Mindset and Cognitive Behavioral Theory (CBT): Cognitive Behavioral Theory (CBT) suggests that our thoughts shape our emotions and behaviors. By changing the way we think, we can change the way we feel. This theory ties directly into the four categories, as mindset plays a crucial role in each. For example: Victims and Pessimists often have negative thought patterns, whereas Thankful people and Optimists consciously focus on the positive, transforming their perspective and boosting happiness through intentional actions.
Broaden-and-Build Theory: Barbara Fredrickson’s Broaden-and-Build Theory explains how positive emotions expand our capacity for creativity, problem-solving, and resilience. Actions that create positive emotions—like physical movement, social engagement, or personal growth—build long-term resources for happiness. For example: the Victim tends to avoid action, staying stuck in negative emotions, which limits emotional growth. While the optimists actively pursue meaningful actions, even in the face of challenges, cultivating positive emotions and building long-term emotional strength.
So what to do about it & my personal reflection
From each of the theories certain lessons can be learned.
- Focus on fulfilling higher-level needs like self-esteem and self-actualization and engage in activities that trigger personal growth and give you a sense of purpose. By striving for meaningful goals beyond just survival, you create a foundation for long-term positivity (Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs).
- Avoid the trap of comparing yourself to others, especially those who seem to have more. Instead, focus on your own progress and practice gratitude for what you have. By limiting upward comparisons and appreciating your unique journey, you can maintain a more positive and fulfilling outlook (Relative Deprivation and Social Comparison Theory).
- Identify and challenge negative thought patterns. Replace irrational or overly negative thoughts with realistic, balanced ones. By reframing how you perceive challenges and actively working to change thought patterns, CBT helps you create a positive feedback loop between your thoughts, emotions, and actions (Mindset and Cognitive Behavioral Theory (CBT))
- Take daily positive actions, such as exercise, mindfulness, or engaging in hobbies, to foster good emotions. These actions help broaden your mindset, allowing you to be more creative, open, and resilient. Small, consistent actions can build long-term emotional strength and a more positive mental state (Broaden-and-Build Theory)
I’m personally a big believer of Barbara Fredrickson’s Broaden-and-Build theory, I truly believe- and experience- that actions leads to action. A real game-changer for me is a morning routine, every morning I (to to) get up relatively early to:
- Move (generally Yoga, sometimes a more intensive workout): Physical activity has been linked to the release of endorphins, the “feel-good” hormones, which contribute to an improved mood and overall well-being.
- Breath (sometimes with cold exposure): Breathing exercises help me to reduce stress, have mental clarity, and enhance a sense of calm and happiness.
- Reflect: Morning journaling helps clarify thoughts and reduce anxiety. On top, it helps me to set intentions and direction.
Combined with:
- Drinking water the moment I get up. It changes your whole feeling instantly
- Fresh air. That “I should have done this so much earlier feeling” that you might know from when you leave your house for the first time after a hangover.
- No caffeine (ever). Caffeine is for me the biggest disruptor of my mood/drugs I know.
- No/limited blue screens. Especially not in the morning, to prevent an instant stress feeling.
Doing these actions consistently, is for me the difference between feeling good about myself, or not feeling good about myself, no-matter the circumstances (I can only imagine how people feel that never do such activities). We have the tools in us, to turn a bad day-start in a good day:-)
Your experience
So, how does the above article fit with your own experience:
– Do you recognize that you can significantly change your whole mood, by simply doing the right activities?
– Which activities do you do to stay positive- and keep ging- in life? Does it work?
I would be more than happy to hear from your learnings and experiences
With love, Tom
